Friday, November 19, 2010

God's Shouting. Are you listening?

Why does pain happen? I don't have all the answers, but allow me to share something that I have experienced last week + weekend. My birthday is November 5 which was on a Friday this year. Well, I lost my phone on my way to downtown Chicago. I took the metra transportation and lost my phone during my ride. I live in a generation where we put most of our plans, alarms, and other information on our phones. I felt truly disconnected and weird without my phone.

The next day, Saturday, I got sick. I got a cold and my throat was acting up. Sunday, I went to take my roommate to church because she doesn't have a ride. I missed mine because I forgot about changing the time for the daylight's saving time (or w/e that thing is called). Well, it took FOREVER to find parking and when I did find parking, I went to the church, but the fire alarm went off. My roommate goes to an Anglican church and I guess that day was the day for the saints and they did so much incense that it set off the fire alarm. AND I also found out later that day that I couldn't call Lost&Found at the Metra Transportation Center until Monday 8am and it's not like I can go there because on Monday my intensive class started. So that just made me irritated b/c it seemed like nothing was going well.

On Monday, one of my intensive classes started (intensive class = a class that lasts all day for either 3 or 7 days..but this class was for 3 days from 8:30am-5:30pm). Well, I call Lost & Found and the lady tells me that I need to call at 9am because if I lost it on Friday then they won't get stuff until 9am. I couldn't call because I had my intensive class. Well, my roommate was awesome to get my phone for me, but when I got my phone back it seemed like it didn't really matter because I found out Monday night that my grandfather passed away on Sunday.

My dad asked if I could come to the funeral which was going to be held the next day, Tuesday 8pm in Flushing, NY. I told him that I would figure it out. So Tuesday comes along and it turns out that I can't anyway. My dad found out I had intensive classes and told me to stay anyway. So now I know that I can't go to my grandfather's funeral. Wednesday was the day for all the presentations to be done in class. My first presentation went well, but the most important presentation was the second presentation. I was the last one to go, but before it was my turn to go, I get a text from my brother telling me that I was the only one from my entire family that didn't go to the funeral. My family members from Brazil and California came. I was in Chicago and I couldn't go to the funeral...wow, that just messed me up emotionally. I haven't cried yet at all and I couldn't hold it in anymore I guess cuz I couldn't stop crying. I did my presentation anyway, but I basically screwed it up because I cried throughout my presentation.

On Thursday, my boyfriend "broke up" with me. And just when I thought I couldn't get any lower, I sought some friends of mine that I knew lived next to me, but they were unavailable at the time. Although I knew they were probably busy (if I were to think like normal and not going through all these things), I had thought at the time that they had forgotten me and didn't care about me at all. This was not the case of course, but when you are in pain and are suffering, you attack yourself.

I never had bad stuff happen to me EVERY day like this before so I didn't understand and couldn't make sense of it, but the one thing I constantly did throughout was proclaim: God is good all the time and all the time, God is good!

Even when I didn't feel God near or feel Him near, I still proclaimed it because I believed He was. Why is it that it is during our pain and suffering when we cry out to God the most? Sometimes I think that God shouts to us everyday and we don't listen because we're havin a great time so it seems like whispering more than shouting. When I was in pain and I sought after Him through my cries, He seemed to be shouting already...not in hate. No. But in love. Telling me things like "I love you. You are not alone. You are never alone. Come to Me. I am trying to reach you, but I want you to choose to come to Me. I love you; I love you!" Oh what a fool I was if I ever doubted. Oh what a fool I was if I rejected Him. How great is our God!

Anyway, the next day, it kept getting better and better. I got back together with my boyfriend (he talked to me. It was a miscommunication. I had misheard because I was emotional and was going through a lot. I wanted to hear what I wanted to hear because I was attacking myself because I was in pain), hung out with a lot of friends who cared, and felt the peace of God.

Peace...

True peace is when you can find it in the midst of darkness and struggle. And I found it when I continued to proclaim that God is good throughout this period of bad stuff. I cannot guarantee that your pain will go away and that a Christian life is extremely easy (um, because it's NOT ::read my post prior to this one::), but what I can guarantee is that no matter what happens, God is good all the time.

C.S. Lewis once said, "God whispers in our pleasures, but shouts in our pain."

Friday, October 15, 2010

Commit to the Struggle

Ever have those days where you just want to quit...give up...on everything n just do whatever? Ever cry so many times for no reason? Ever want something to work out n keep thinkin about how it would, but u could never wrap your head around on how it could? I had a couple weeks of these days. I scream in my head sometimes. Not really a great feeling n shootin myself with loads of coffee just to pass the day somewhat alive is not all that inspiring really...

So many thoughts and so many voices tellin contradictory things, but at least they got somedin in common: negative-ness... -.-*

Who ever said that bein Christian would be a road of easy-sailin??...i wanna smack that person n label that person insane. Following Christ is hard especially in a world that doesn't follow Him so easily.

Here I am in Wheaton College Graduate School for my masters and the warfare seems to be gettin worse...which is both good and bad. Good - b/c the more battles mean at least I'm gettin further n that someone naughty wants me to stop doin what i'm doin. And bad - b/c I sometimes get weary of the battles that keep coming. Funny thing about our journeys with God. He might give you a season of rest and peace, but the further you go with God to advance His Kingdom, the more adversity you face and the higher the "cross you have to pick up and carry" as you go (think of it this way: the higher u rise in an army, the higher the stakes with the enemies wanting to kill u n specifically target u).

There's danger everywhere. Your enemies are out there; shoot, even u urself can be an enemy - isn't that just ironic.

But here's the thing that I think some people miss out on when they convert to Christianity. It's not about prosperity like some preachers out there preach. It's not about how many people "you" can convert (there's no way u can save anyone anyhow). It's not about your safety. Dude, who said that following Christ and bein with God is a safe thing to do? No! There's a huge level of cost that everyone must consider before trusting Christ - surrender all. (that takes a lot of boldness to have that much humility).

Everything that was is now all about Him. His holistic mission to extend His rule and authority is now our mission and we need to carry this through. There's a reason why there's an Armor of God and the need to polish our armor and sharpen our Sword (Sword of the Spirit/Word of God/Truth/Christ). Who said anything about safe n smooth-sailin? God's desire is for the entire world to be under His authority n let me tell you why this is a good thing. God's authority over our lives means that our image is in Him. Our image being from Him means that we have our identity in Him. When we lose our identity and having God as our authority over our lives, we're basically screwed...we stop living and we just...exist - all the while deep within, we're searching for the very thing we've lost. Our mission is to extend God's authority to everyone. It's their choice to accept God's authority over their lives; we can't force it, but we can offer it to them.

He is indeed good and His authority is indeed a good thing.

The question is...to those of us who have counted the cost we'll face in this spiritual warfare upon us, are we warriors committed to the struggle? Regardless of any battle we fight in. Regardless of the enemies we need to fight against. Regardless of the number of enemies we may fight with at the same time. Regardless if we might lose some battles. Are we warriors that are committed to the struggle? To this fight to serve our King? Or are we just traditional people wearing dusty armor and carrying dull swords?

If indeed the last question is something that speaks to you, you need to choose to either not fight at all or to change what needs to be changed now! Time is running out for us all; don't be a fool to think otherwise.

>>>>
This is something I wrote for myself to encourage myself to commit to the struggle. I guess a little sermon I found myself preaching to myself. I seriously cannot fail now. There's just too much I have to do in this war. My prayer for us all is to catch the light of the Truth we believe in and find strength in the vision of what is to come in times of weariness and in times where darkness tries to stop us aggressively. God is the same God now as He was when He spoke everything into existance with just His voice. He is powerful beyond all measure; what or who have we to fear except Him?

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Actual Humility

So Dallas Theological Seminary's hero, Chuck Swindoll, came by to preach again :) He said something that really spoke to me. U know those people in life that is always honest and flat out "straight with you". Of course it's great from time to time, but honestly it can get pretty irritating and annoying, BUT it's humbling and great for character building.

His message spoke to me about humility. I think it is great that God really loves us and cares about us to send people that will "rub us the wrong way" so that we can grow with each other and progress closer to God by allowing people in our lives to show us what we ourselves need to work on (whether we want to see it or not)

Although you can learn tolerance and perseverance, you can further it and look at it in a positive way by looking at it like discipline and uncovering the things we refuse to see within ourselves. Nobody likes to admit that they're in the wrong, but got no problem is seeing and pointing out the wrongs in others.

Man, this new season of mine is all about character building and it is a butt kicker :) but a good one though (of course it doesn't feel good while ur in the process, but i'm sure that when i look back on all the times God has guided me through the stages of character building, I recognize what an amazing privilege it is to be butt kicked by God)

lol hope nobody gets me wrong and think that God's out there just to "get us", but rather with us as we get closer to Him. We fall short of His glory and need His help to move forward and it is by His strength that we can do all things :)

well this is my "blah blah" for today and again, it's been a while since my last post...

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Friday, November 20, 2009

Random

I REALLY wanna make turkey and stuffing this year, but was invited to TWO Thanksgiving dinners on Thursday...n I plan on going to both because I love meeting new people. Lol maybe I'll make it for myself for Christmas n eat leftovers till new years lol

Anyway I wish you a good Thanksgiving, a merry Christmas, and a happy new year :)

need to think of a new year's resolution...hmmmmm~

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I guess what I mean to say

...if anyone misunderstood my last post. I was challenging myself to step it up/step up my fighting because we're in a spiritual war. My old man is tryin to get me, but Jesus Christ already freed me. My mind keeps comin back to my old ways, but Jesus Christ encourages me with His way that's not like my old days.

My self offers comfort n false "luxury" n Jesus Christ offers me Truth n freedom...but I gotta fight because I'm living temporarily in a world that offers me no good.

Self is the bottom pit within that tries to tap into my heart, but I gotta remind my mind that my heart is the temple in which God lives within as a part of me.

I don't intend to be false n say that I got it all cuz I don't. I don't intend to be false n say I got nuthin cuz Jesus got me.

I wanna be real in this life n fight instead of sleep. I wanna be awake n not be conformed.

To be of one mind and one body; the word UNITY - the way God intended His church to be.

Holdin up my faith as a shield. Speaking truth like swinging a sword against a foe. Walking with guided feet.

I am alive because He died for me. I am able to fight because He rose up for me. I am able to love because He loved me. I am able to continue because He speaks to me...guiding me, training me, encouraging me, n testifying that He is at all times with me.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Fighting My Typical Old Man

Wow yea, it's been so long since I last posted...guess i'm not gonna finish my journal of my summer when i went all over europe.

Ok what's new? Well I live in Dallas TX...basically downtown area I guess?? i dunno really, but i go to Dallas Theological Seminary...for how long? Well my major curriculum plan says for 3 years, but I don't plan 3 years in advance. Plans change...maybe Wheaton in Chicago? who knows, but God!

What have I learned? You can only depend on God! Yea yea yea, everybody Christian knows that...well, I knew that. I've always known that, but seeing it up in ur face....bein reality-slapped...or what I call "wisdom-slapped"...yea, she (wisdom) slapped me hard. I guess I just got a deeper revelation of what I knew before.

And that's that. I truly understood a DEEPER and CLOSER relationship with God is supposed to be like. Now i'm not saying to move away from all family n friends. I still believe that there are no such things as a Lone Ranger Christian! but hear what I mean to say.

There are times in life when God leads you to a season of learning...basically, where God disciplines you like any loving Father would do to where ur finally saying, "ooohhhh I get it now." and then get ur act together.

I must say, I've realized how IMmature I was...still am I bet. I have a lot of things to work on. God was saying, "if u wanna be a speaker, u better live what u speak. R u livin what u wanna speak?"

"......no" I replied like a loser

"Then get ur act together, Gomer." lol

"Ok T_T" (T_T is a face expression that means sad tears. T is tears from the eye lol)

See the thing is, I get bored a lot. It's not the fact that God's boring, it's me. i'm the one that's boring. I don't read the Bible sometimes. I also don't witness as much as I should. I remember that I'd tell my youth group kids to "Go forth now!" Most times, I get caught up with just goin with the flow n end up bein flat out lazy. Watchin movies, cleaning the house, goin to classes, doin the homework, learning Greek, writing papers n modules of strategic ministry planning...actually, seminary's pretty easy for me right now (dunno if it's cuz we're just goin thru the basics or not. I mean, I am a first year in seminary). Anyway, point being: I'm not as "great" as I'd like to be as a Christian. GASP i know -.-* what kind of Christian am I?!

n u know what the answer is? "Typical."

That's right. If I wanna be who God wants me to be in the future (n so far He's guiding me to be an influential speaker), then I gotta step up my game and live my life in a way where it can back up what I'll say in the future as a speaker.

My encouragement to anyone who is like me: We're of one body and we serve only one King. We have the victory anyway in Jesus Christ so don't be the one who doesn't have a story to tell at the Wedding Banquet. And btw, I know u have great potential to tell one awesome story on that day about what you have done as a part of God's army.

(I'm in the process of writing a fictional story. I've posted it before here, but I think it's appropriate to close this blog entry):

My Beloved, awake…
Awake…
A whisper blew by my ear. Did I confuse the wind for a voice? I do not know. Physical damages: flesh cut deep, broken ribs; my body is drained, but still burning alive within. Feeling came to the tip of my fingers and I felt the earth – wet, grained-like, and weak against my fingertips. Smell came through to my nostrils and I began to breathe slowly and deeply – the smell of the earth matched the soil I had felt with my fingers. I now felt my cheek upon the hard earth. I have been laying here awhile. Awake, awake, O Sleeper…
The eyelids of mine lifted. Darkness became light and I began to see the world around me. It did not change from before. The earth my feet stood upon was of dark color and what was upon my feet was the color of silver armor tainted. Yes, I was in the midst of war with the Great Illusionist and his minions. My head lifted and my hands pressed against the earth in the effort of lifting myself up. For a moment, I could not breathe. As I tried to stand, the dead weight of my leg carried me back to the earth.
I cried. After I took a few breaths, I whispered in pain, “This injures me not!”
The warmth of my blood ran down my injured leg, but the fiery heat of my blade burned for my hand – it called out to me! I reached for the heat and grasped tightly at the ready handle. With one sharp painful grunt, I gave my all to thrust my blade into the earth. By doing so, the ground turned to rock. With my fainting strength, I lifted myself off the ground and tried to stand. My sword stood ready at my hand and calmed my fall as it punctured the earth even deeper. I finally decided to look down and examine the damage.
My eyes lied upon my wounds and found the source of my burning pain. The damage had been done by the many flaming arrows and the attacks from all the demons that had no agenda other than to dethrone my King. I grabbed hold of the handle of my sword and transformed my weight to my sword again as I forced myself to stand once more. The pain from my body made my lips utter the words that only pain could utter.
As soon as I lifted my head, my enemy stood a good distance before me. I lifted my shield and immediately held my sword upright as my reflex was trained to do. I forgot my pain. With my breath heavy and my body burning, I walked around in a circle with my enemy. His eyes were filled with hatred as he glared at me. A beautiful angel to any naked eye, but beware for he was the Great Illusionist. His powers consisted of seduction and his purpose was to seek, destroy, and devour. He can seduce you with false promises of what your heart deeply desired and corrupt you all from the start of your mind. Evil words he spoke; destruction he sought, but always in the form of bright colors.
I stood firm upon the Rock on which I stood made earlier from my sword. He circled around me with hateful eyes. His aura offered fear and false riches, but none I shall take for my King is the One I serve truly. His beautiful figure turned to what he truly was – an evil sight.
“Join me~.” He whispered in what seemed like a thousand voices.
Anger spurned within as I replied, “My service thou canst seek; it belongs to another!”
“Can thou defeat my fire?!”
I held my sword as a threat towards my enemy and shouted, “Can thou defeat Mine?”